The thought of love throughout my life has brought on different emotions of happiness and sadness depending on how old I was in my thoughts about love. I  find myself realizing teardrops sliding down my cheeks during those thoughtful interludes. For the most part, I am a happy person. I can make myself happy when I feel sad. Yet, there is still that mysterious part of life that wells up in me and leaves me speechless. It centers around that little four letter word, L-O-V-E.

It’s hard for me to think about the word, “love,” and not stop in my tracks and breathe deeply. I’ve heard a hundred church sermons on the subject. The usual ones are about how Jesus loves us.  I certainly don’t want to diminish that aspect in this writing. The whole ultimate giving of love on the cross is certainly what the Bible says about salvation and how we are to spend our time enlightening the world of such sacrifice of loving mankind that God’s son gave his life for all of us. But let’s put that on the sacred shelf and talk about everyday life–a bit more. You cannot leave it out totally because that sacrfice was the ultimate love.

But I’d like to diverge from that a bit and differentiate from that type love and talk about how the word makes me feel and what emotions emerge. I’m talking about the mere thinking of the word love and how it makes me get all teary-eyed. The loss of love, the never-quite-finding-that-love-of-your-life love you’re looking for. I’ve been married. Yes, there is family love, friendship love, humankind love, the love you thought was there and wasn’t. I’m talking about the love, which causes you to think of something else quickly distracting you from giving in to introspection why it makes you feel sad or glad. Is there pain involved here, perhaps? Is it the longing for a love you want but don’t have? I give in to thinking why the word love  makes you cry. Are the tears ones of joy, regret, loss, disappointment, guilt, failure, frustration? I’ve never really shared this with anyone. I’ve just quietly wiped my tears, counted to ten, bit my lip and thought of an ice cream sunday–with the works!

Yes, I’ve loved in my life. I’ve cared for others, cared for special people, loved being with them, loved the feeling of hoping the best in their lives.

I’m still reflecting here on love, in a way not really understood. Maybe I’ve thought about it so much I’ve conditioned myself into thinking a certain way? Perhaps like associating the word love with something good, bad, emotional or all? Sometimes I feel I’m being selfish in thinking I’ve missed out on the love between two people–because I’ve been married and chose to divorce. I do become melancholy when I see, the love, a couple is sharing, maybe thinking it is a love I do not have or never had? Sometimes I feel I’ve not been given a fair shake in life when I think about how people, I thought I loved, disappointed me. I’ve given myself the one-two kick in the butt for being a little selfish at times wallowing in the pity party about not having or realizing love. Is it all in how you look at it? Is it expecting something different when perhaps I was brought up in a fairy-tale type world, unrealistic, Cinderella syndrome or wish?

I am reminded that giving to others does make one feel better about themselves and better about life in general no matter how down you might feel at times. So I do cycle back around time after time thinking love is not something that should be mulled over inside us, but to be freely flowing from us. There is that unconditional love phrase that pops up when I start thinking a certain way about how I think love should be. Each time I feel down and start reveling in a little poor-pitiful-me type thinking, I’ll have to admit getting up and doing something for others does seem to be that little fix that makes me feel better about life and loving others. So does love get all confused with being alone? Throw that aspect into the idea of love or not feeling being loved. So many women, (and men) find themselves alone in this world for sure. I mention women first because stats show women, especially those over 65 years old, are a huge demography with which society must contend when it comes to loneliness and how that might play out in declining health.

Love is lacking in so many of these women’s lives. Is love affected by loneliness more than we think? Thinking of it the other way around doesn’t really change anything. Is the mere effect of going home to an empty house outweigh the love we might have just enjoyed at some social gathering hours before? And now we walk into an empty house and feel alone–maybe cannot get enough love or not able to love enough?

How do we factor in the issue of isolation within the marital home where couples say they live with their spouse but they never see them because they are off in the catacombs of the house doing their own thing? So is just having someone there tied into this feeling of…of love? Or is it too hard to separate love and interaction with someone—a relationship? A live-in relationship where they are there 24/7 discounting career?

I’ll also admit that I can sink back into a funk again at times and wonder how others are feeling about LOVE. Many women friends tell me how lucky I am not to be married at my age. What does that mean when they say that in context of love? I must sit them down and ask that they expound on their comments. Unfortunately, I think they are touching on the aspect of taking care of an elderly man in the golden years of their lives and why would I want to enter a relationship during the golden years of my life and the illness-ridden years of an elderly man’s life? I think that is all relative, though. If you grow old together, you are best friends too. That spouse has become history, comfort, expectation.

I am diverging from love, here, though, as I’ve introduced the aspect of marriage and love. But am I diverging? The grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side comes to mind when I think of what others might think of love in other’s lives, and the freedoms single women or men have, to do what they want; and how depressed women become when they have a spouse at home who has reverted to being “a hindrance” in their golden years. (Reminds me of what the Bible says as far as respecting old age, parents, taking care of widows and so forth.)

I heard recently on NPR radio that there are algorithms being created to analyze blogs, Facebook and emails targeting specific depression-type words to determine how depressed a society is in certain locations. On the one hand, that’s a little scary, then I tell myself, you cannot live in a vacuum. I do and I don’t is what I feel about that. I have tons of friends, but I turn on all the lights and keep the television going when I am at home to keep me company.

Is that loneliness or lack of love or lack of feeling loved or both? It is all so intertwined. People feel it but do not necessarily talk about things like this. You cannot be an anthill of one when it comes to going out into the world and being proactive in confronting issues with loneliness and if love can effect that. Of course people talk about their theories of feeling alone even if they live in a big family or being in a marriage and feeling alone and unloved.

Other than what the Bible says about not being alone because we have God and faith and so forth, let’s keep on the subject of love. Do you feel loved? Are we just not really scrutinizing our lives in Biblical terms?  Is that what we are missing here and just being selfish. No. We need love.

Let’s talk about the physiology of love and how the body reacts. Personally, when I get exercise, eat right and get enough sleep, I feel loved or feel right with the world and feel like going out into the world and interacting with people, places and things. I can also go out into the world doing the same things even if I don’t get all those good things like sleep, eating right and exercise; but I sure don’t feel right with the world. I even feel paranoid and different about life. Maybe being off balance, then, changes one’s behavior or outlook?

Isn’t it all just fascinating to think about how we can mess with our own minds to the point that causes us to feel loved or unloved one day depending on what’s going on in our health regiment?

One of the greatest themes of all times in novels and movies is, of course, LOVE. It is something we cannot live without. I hugged my mother today a little bit longer than normal, holding her tightly, because it was Mother’s Day. It brought tears to my eyes. When I let go, she looked at me right in the eyes and told me she loved me. Many times before I’ve hugged her quickly, told her I loved her, and ran out the door to go on my way. But today, when I was thinking all about the gooey love on Mother’s Day and being a child and having a child of my own, I spent more time hugging my mother a wee bit longer. Maybe that’s what love is all about–spending just a little bit longer on things regarding someone we love, maybe on that hug, or lingering a bit to look at someone or visit with them a bit longer, or just look into someone’s eyes often and telling them you love them.

Yes, I know Jesus loves me in the religious realm of love.  That’s supposed to be enough. But somehow I find it isn’t. Maybe my thoughts are based on what we’ve come to expect in life, or experienced living with each other in this broken world. Maybe seeing others not paying enough attention to what the Bible says or maybe they just put the Bible on the nightstand and don’t live what they read just dealing with life as it comes—by themselves, without any other outside influences, thinking they can handle life alone. Yes, we are busy, busy, busy people. We can get overly paranoid, isolated, imagining stuff, which isn’t real or true about love.

Love is a gift…to share, I guess. And when we take the time to give a little bit more of it in a more genuine way, I think we get a little bit more back in a more caring way…the give-and-take idea, the give-and-you-shall-receive idea. Maybe taking the time to think and act ,concerning others, in a more loving manner is the key.

That phrase, love one another as you would love yourself: Oh, my, how crazy is that when so many people do not know how to love themselves? We don’t take care of ourselves as we should in so many aspects. So how can we expect them to love someone else?

I think we love others better when we are around each other more often. So isolating ourselves is not good. We are sociable creatures. We need each other. We need to be needed. No different, I suppose, than the idea of giving. People say to give is better than to receive. I’ve felt that. I’ll be another to confirm that. Interchange the words like this, though: to love is better than not to love? Is loving someone, then, not the precursor of being loved? If you love someone and show them you love them, do you not get that love returned? Maybe moreso?

Does this, then, fall into the realm of the more you show love, the more it is returned? Does that fall into the realm of acknowledgment of others? Have we walked by someone and not spoken to them? Have you felt ignored in this manner? Is it possible to think about all that each time you enter a room? Are we being unloving when we forget to acknowledge another? Is love so intricately involved in this wanting to be wanted, to feel important…to someone? So is love about feeling important? Is love about self-actualization? Is love selfish? The 1 Corinthians 13 scripture about love is patient, kind, etc. comes into play here. This writing in not a Bible lesson. I’ll admit so many good lessons do come from the Bible—a guide to good living.

I still tear up when I think about love. Even typing the word here brings tears and they sting in my eyes and blur as I type. Wonder why? I’ve written my thoughts here. I’ve thought of  love so often! I thought by thinking and talking and writing about it, the instant reaction to the word love would subside. It hasn’t.

I’m single, been married, divorced, had my ups and downs in life, in my family, in my career, in my spiritual life, etc., like everyone else. I’ve had my highs in life too. I’ve so much to be thankful for, so many blessings; I couldn’t possibly write them all down. But that single word, love, stumps me and brings me back to my knees, again–every single time.

What picks me back up? Two things: My many blessings, I have to acknowledge, and something my grandmother used to say, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life.”

In the context of this writing, I suppose it means, wipe away your tears, count your blessings, and love the ones you’ve got in your life! Love is more action, like a verb, rather than a noun. Love as a noun, sits around waiting for the action! I’ve always been a bit too emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat.  Don’t know why. God made me that way. And life made me even more emotional, compassionate and observant along my journey.

I’d rather have loved than not loved at all. And rather cry than be cold and unfeeling. Some other famous people said all that before me. They were right. You can cry and love too, I guess.

Love  and loving is all in how you look at things. Regarding this little girl, all scuffed up. When people look at a piece of art,  you say, “I like it, hate it,” or pass it by without comment.  The story behind this little girl is that it is a reclaimed statue, pulled from someone’s discarded items sitting on the side of the road.  It was a treasure to someone else who repurposed it in their landscape with care.

It is interesting how art is perceived.  When I saw this little reclaimed statue at a friend’s house in Florida, I took a picture of it. I related to it. It wasn’t perfect anymore. But that was the beauty of it. I saw it as the little girl who had seen the best and worst of life. Yet, she kisses the world, embraces it, still loves it. So love is faith that tomorrow will be better or the best is yet to come? So love is tied up with faith.

Behind all the wive’s tales, the Greek myths, the origin of words and phrases, there are truths, morals, and wisdoms. They were meant to evoke emotion; most often being about something surrounding love and hate, or love and sadness, searching, etc.

Someone told me once, or rather it was something I read–no matter; the point was that beneath all our emotions, displayed or felt, is the FEAR of something. So behind crying, laughing, anger, frustration and whatever else you throw into the little world and see what settles to the bottom, do we see a fear of something? Or is it the fear of lacking something, not having something, wanting something? So behind the crying or anything else we feel, is there fear–a fear of something?

Then we cycle back to what the Bible says about all that, “Fear not, for I am with you.” No, this is not a Bible lesson, nor is it intended to be. But can we separate all these words I’ve written from what the Bible says?

I started this writing just thinking about “love,” just the word, simply the word and how it makes me cry. I end up thinking about the WORD and Faith that all that makes me cry will someday be made whole, or someday make me whole again.